An honest letter to my husband…

God, sex, and marriage” is the name of the 21-day devotional Travis and I are currently reading.

We got married 10 1/2 years ago and since we waited to kiss until we were married… we had no problem living up to our nicknames “Jack” & “Thumper” ; ) Fast forward…3 kids later… it’s safe to say I’m no spring chicken anymore and any “drive” I once had is now lost somewhere down memory lane (probably with my sanity). Instead, I have acquired this amazing ability to fall asleep early… it’s like a smoke bomb goes off at 8:55 and by 9pm my eyelids are lifting weights. Intimacy has taken a back seat, actually it might be in a different car?!

With the recent birth of our daughter and the decrease of ongoing commitments… I feel like I’m in a season of Sabbatical and I’m inviting the Lord to go through my heart with a fine-toothed comb and reveal and remove any impurities.

It’s like He’s removing splinters from my heart.

Splinters are uncomfortable, but the longer they are there, the easier it is to ignore them. But the truth is… they are not good for us and they can cause infection, which affects various areas of our lives. In an effort to build a healthy/ transparent marriage… I shared some of my “splinter findings” in a conversation with Travis.


 “I’ve always had a desire to please other people. This has gone so far that you could say I’m addicted to approval. Along with this all-consuming addiction of mine comes the nice little gift of the fear of disappointing others. In our marriage… I’ve allowed my fear of disappointment to paralyze me from communicating with you in a healthy way. I’ve put you on a pedestal as someone to impress.


(begin rabbit trail) When you seek to impress others, they become an object of your worship. Eventually all your time, attention, and energy will go towards that person, position, thing, etc. and Congratulations…now you have a self-made idol. Since an idol can NEVER do for you what you want it to… DISAPPOINTMENT is the next stop on the road of unmet expectations. (end rabbit trail)


So, while I’ve tried to be a good wife that doesn’t nag or annoy… I’ve withdrawn into silence on some issues. But I’m learning now, that it’s a mask. And the glue that keeps the mask on are my passive-aggressive tendencies. Passive in that I don’t want to ‘bother’ you or ‘confront’ you. But aggressive in that… I would get angry and lash out when you weren’t meeting my (un-communicated) expectations.


I need a healthy balance. Not nagging, not silence. I want to learn healthy communication that equips me to…


                                        be a peace-maker, not just a peace-keeper!


A true peace-maker loves others so genuinely that they confront people in sin because we know sin blocks intimacy with God and when sin is present, we can’t see God or glorify Him.


I sit before you, Travis, and invite you to speak into my life. Sure I love you and there’s no elephant in the room… but there are transgressions, and sin, and areas of offense, that if not confronted and repented of… will feed the root of bitterness that my heart is prone to harvest. And we all know that the only fruit this bitter root yields is RESENTMENT. I want to love you with a 1 Corinthians 13 love which ‘keeps no record of wrongs’.


 In this season of reflection, repentance, growth, and learning to discern the voice of the Lord… I invite the Lord to speak truth. To reveal any lies we are in agreement with and embed truth in our hearts… where splinters are not welcome!”

Always Yours, Rebecca


I’d love to hear how the Lord may have used this blog post to encourage, convict, &/or bring truth and freedom into your life! Please leave a comment or feel free to e-mail me at



2 thoughts on “An honest letter to my husband…

  1. Rebecca – I LOVED this post. I’ve been finding myself more and more in this place of choosing sleep/chores/TV/randomness over intimacy. When the kids go to bed at 8, and I’m done being “needed,” it’s like I have nothing left for my husband. I’m just done meeting the needs of everyone else, and want to think about myself for a second. I have known this is unhealthy, so I’ll try and make intimacy a priority, but I’m resentful about it. Since I don’t want to be a nag, or a prude, I just try to meet his needs without communicating my needs, and then the bitterness grows. I’m so glad the Lord can and will speak truth and healing into this area of our marriage. Thank you for the encouragement to be intentional, and thank you for posting – l’m glad I’m not alone in this.


  2. Wow Rebecca, honestly thought it would be an “I love my man forever” post. While there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with that, because I do love my man; I appreciate your honesty. I thank you for sharing your trials. God told Eve that women’s desire will be for her husband…I know the original translation meant to control/takeover her huaband, but honestly it has always simply spoken to me as I desire my husband to see me, choose me and say I am a good wife and mother. I do, hold my husband up so I can hear “great job”. I want to be that Prov 31 wife, but I WANT FLOYD to say I am…your post is a harsh reminder that I need to remember that my approval and guidance of how to be that wife needs to come from My Father, not from my husband, who unfortunately is also fallen and not perfect….he will not perfectly lift me up or always give me the accolades (spelling?) I so desire to hear. Thanks for this reminder.


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